My name is Laina Turner-Molaski. It depends on where I’m at, what I’m doing, and how I feel at the moment as to whom you are talking to. I’m not really suffering from multiple personality disorder, although I sometimes feel like it. But rather a self induced craziness of trying to follow my passions all of which are at times at very far ends of the spectrum.
My goals this year were simple. To finally publish my fiction book, to achieve some better inner peace, and to have a better work/life balance. I have pushed my book out to February 2010 for good reason. To make it better and to do things the right way. That goal won’t be reached but I’m ok with it. The other two goals are not so black and white. I like things neat, tidy, and measurable but I have to allow myself to be ok with the fact that it’s not always possible to have things that way. What I have to ask myself is if I have made progress in these areas and if I have learned anything from the experience, and I have. What I have learned is that life isn’t neat and tidy. It can be, but it also can be messy and dirty which is what makes it life. I have spent most of my life trying to conform and putting aspects of my life in neat and tidy boxes. The business woman box, the wife box, the mother box, the teacher box, the writer box to name a few and once I got done with those there wasn’t much left for the Laina box. In fact, I got to where I wasn’t even sure what should be in the Laina box as I had lost part of her in the search to be all of those other things.
The pressure I felt to be the best at all I did and live up to what I perceived as others expectations of me (to which I have found were mostly my perceptions, not reality) was unreal and in a lot of ways in contradiction to the real me inside. As I started this self discovery I was able to narrow those boxes down to four. Business women, college professor, fiction writer, and mother. As you can see there still wasn’t a Laina box. To make it even more convoluted I decided to write my fiction under a pen name as to not infringe on my academic persona. There I was again trying to keep things separate. God forbid another PhD would find out I wrote romantic/mystery fiction.
A few weeks ago as I was trying to keep myself from going crazy (an ongoing struggle) and I had an epiphany. I was stressed and miserable because I still was trying to be “things” and not myself. Laina is all these boxes, these boxes aren’t Laina. I have to stop defining who I am by what I am because who I am, shapes all those boxes whether I want to admit it or not. Great revelation but then I got stuck on the now what part. Coming out to be who I am and not what I prefer to project is scary. For me anyways. But for once instead of over thinking it (as I have been accused of on occasion), I decided to take the plunge and today is a new me.
I am who I am…no excuses and no disclaimers.
I’m done trying to be perfect. I am finally going to embrace my reality. What can you do to embrace yours?
Laina
So join the movement and be crazy with me www.chiczofrenic.com.